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This Will Hurt: A Short Story by Seth Comire

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3 Comments

  • Sara Judson Brown
    Posted February 1, 2021 at 11:34 pm

    I like how you used the sound of the tape roll. Very effective! It’s a sound the reader will grasp immediately and it becomes ominous as the story unfolds. You also do a good job of building the horror of the situation. Maybe add more sense detail like does your character taste blood in his mouth? Some medicines leave a funny taste in your mouth too. What does the exam room smell like? Not to be gross but people under that much stress might lose control of their bladder/bowels. I would also imagine he’s drenched in sweat. Can he feel the exam table/chair underneath him or restraints biting into his wrists? And then as he comes out of the computer generated scenario how do all of these senses change? The blood in his mouth is gone but maybe a medicine taste remains. The torture chair becomes a soft hospital bed….etc… You can use these all as clues to the reader that a dramatic shift has occurred. Great job! Keep going! 🙂

  • K. Pimpinella
    Posted February 1, 2021 at 12:00 pm

    Good start. A good little taste of what is to come … I presume there is more coming based on the ‘to be continued’ note at the bottom. A few too many ‘labels’ attached to the names too soon, but otherwise it read very well. There was just enough to entice me to want to read more. And like a good chapter or scene should, the protagonist went on a small journey- from one mental state to another. This is what makes a chapter or scene interesting, but the POV from the protagonist’s confused state is what made it exciting. I was there with the protagonist, not knowing exactly what was going on, then, again like a good chapter or scene should, it left me with enough answers to satisfy me, yet still wanting to know more. Good job!

    • Post Author
      Seth Comire
      Posted February 1, 2021 at 12:03 pm

      Thank you, Krista! I hadn’t thought of using fewer labels so soon, but it makes sense. I assume the idea is to let the story develop a bit slower, so the reader wants to continue reading to learn more?

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